Captain Falcon's Quest for Cereal
by SatanHimself
Summary: Join everyone's favorite hero (Captain Falcon) as he embarks on a quest to get the most American cereal known to man, Fruit Loops!


Author's Note: (Hello! This is your friendly neighborhood demon Satan! As much as I like tormenting the souls of the damned, I like to write shitty stories! Please, do enjoy this or your soul is mine.)

Captain Falcon's Quest for Cereal!

It was a beautiful morning at Smash Mansion. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, and Mario was beating the living shit out of Mega Man because he talked shit about Mario's waifu. Captain Falcon awoke from bed to the sound of the Star Spangled Banner coming from his alarm clock. It was 6:40 in the morning Falcon shed a tear from his eye, "God bless America." He said as he looked at his poster of George Washington to his left.

He stood up, wearing a Hulk Hogan tank top and sweat pants that had the American flag on it. He walked to his wardrobe and put on his average Captain Falcon clothes. "I think I want some breakfast." Falcon said to himself, and went to the dining area. At the dining area not that many fighters were awake, but there was Mega Man's unconscious body due to Mario's rustled jimmies.

Falcon got a bowl, a spoon, and some milk. "It's time to dine on the most American cereal known to man… FRUIT LOOPS!" He said as he opened to pantry, only to see that there's no fruit loops in there! "WHAT?" Falcon said in pure rage, "NO FRUIT LOOPS?! MUST BE THE WORK OF THE COMMIES!" He screamed in his patriotic voice. Robin (F) walked in, "That's ok Falcon!" She said in a cheerful voice, "You can just have some Wheaties!" She pulled out a box of Wheaties. Falcon looked in disgust and slapped the box out of her hands. "I'M NEVER EATING THAT WEEABO SHIT YOU CALL FOOD!" He said as he ran, "I'M GOING TO THE CITY!"

At the nearby city of….uhhhhhh….. San Angles DC, (Yep, totally exists.) Falcon drove his car to the local Supermarket called Bargain Basket. He ran to the front counter and went to the cashier. "Um, excuse me sir..." Falcon asked the cashier. The cashier turned around, it was Waluigi, "Wah?" Waluigi said, "Do you have any Fruit Loops?" Falcon asked. Waluigi pointed to the breakfast isle to his right, "Wah." He said.

Captain Falcon broke into a full-blown sprint to the isle, evening pushing down a baby carriage that was in the way. (Yes, there was a child in it, but it was for the greater good.) When he got to the breakfast isle, he just about broke into tears of freedom because of the sight of the Fruit Loops. "Thank Master Hand that I found you!" He said while rubbing the box to the Fruit Loops. (It was quite the sight to see.) Falcon grabbed the box and ran out of the store, without paying.

"Stop right there Captain!" A voice said to the left of Falcon. Falcon turned to see Popo and Nana standing there, holding guns. "Well now," Falcon gasped, "if it isn't the ISIS climbers." Popo smiled, "We have a new plan, and you can't stop us this time, Mr. America. Nana, show him." Popo said to his wife, (I think she's his wife?) Nana opened her coat, revealing multiple IEDs in her pockets. Falcon gasped, "We're going to blow up Smash Mansion unless Master Hand puts us in as DLC!" Popo said while smirking. "Not if I have anything to do about It.!" Falcon said as he put his hands in the air," Washington give me strength!" He chanted, making a bolt of lightning strike down on him, electrocuting him. (What? You thought he was going to get superpowers? Bitch he's already a hero.) Falcon got up, almost killed by the blast of lightning that hit him. "Alright, now that Washington gave me his awesome powers, I can beat you!" Falcon said as he got up. Popo looked at him strangely, "That wasn't Washington you idiot! That was literally a bolt of lightning!" He said. Falcon ripped his shirt off, "Now the Falcon-Mania is going to run wild on you BROTHER!" Falcon yelled as he ran towards the ISIS climbers.

Falcon was too fast for Nana and Popo's gunfire. When Falcon got there, he grabbed Nana, "OH YEAH!" Falcon yelled as he put Nana in the air, "IMMA SNAP YOU LIKE A SLIM JIM BROTHER!" He then threw Nana into a skyscraper in San Angeles DC. Popo looked in horror as Falcon prepared a Falcon Punch. "No one fucks with me and my Fruit Loops!" Captain Falcon said, "Falcon…..Punch!" He yelled as he punched Popo into the air. Popo and Nana later landed into the local Shantytown.

Back at the Mansion, Falcon was enjoying his bowl of Fruit Loops. "Ahhh," He said as he bit down to the American cereal. Just then, Snake walked to Falcon, "Hey Falcon…" Snake said to the American hero, "I hear that you stole a box of Fruit Loops from Bargain Basket." Falcon almost choked, "I didn't steal anything!" He said to the Foxhound Agent. Snake sighed, "We have camera in the store, and we know it's you because you stroked the box while whistling The Star Spangled Banner. Also, you pushed a baby carriage into the ground!" Snake looked at Falcon, "As chief of the San Angeles DC police department, I have to place you under arrest." Snake said firmly. Falcon choked on his Fruit Loops, "First of all, that child worked for the Viet Cong! Also, I stopped the ISIS Climbers from blowing up the Mansion!" Falcon pleaded to Snake.

"Sorry, rules are rules." Snake said, "You have to come with me." Falcon then got an idea! The F-Zero pilot pushed the box of Fruit Loops towards Snake, "Perhaps you might want a bribe? I'll get you a bowl?" He said to Snake. Snake started to sweat, "Well…. Alright, go get me a bowl." He said as he took a seat. The two then proceeded to have the most American breakfast known to man.


End file.
